Post by Dashe on Feb 29, 2012 14:57:05 GMT -5
Congrats on making it to page 50! 
A veritable achievement for any fancomic writer.
Roll's explanation for the deflectors confuses me, though. I think you accidentally deleted a word and a half of the second paragraph, which reads "As a quick indicator for merchants and traders, the energy value contained in them and therefore its re determined by their color and size."
"Re" is "are," right? You'll also probably want to fix it so the pronouns are more consistent in that paragraph. Something like "As a quick indicator for merchants and traders, their energy values, and therefore their respective ___(whatever you meant to put here)____, are determined by their color and size."
You also may want to specify that the explorers used the ancient machines as a template to create the Holon Component. Too many theys and thems can confuse a first-timer. Or a second-timer. Or really anybody who's just skimming. The part about the Great Legacy is like that, too. A great store of what? Holon components? Deflectors? Airships?
Finally, "the job of a digouters" would flow quite a bit more nicely if it read as "a digouter's job." Even though you want to sound more formal with an informative anecdote, you usually don't hear the passive voice like that unless you are talking to a weirdly-programmed sentient robot or reading a high school essay.
Reading back on page 48, when Roll talks about Rock burning out his buster, it'd be a good idea to change that "will" in panel 1 to "would." That sentence looks like it'd call for a conditional. On the bottom right, it'd read more easily as "the armor took quite a beating when the shielding went down."
The art looks great. The content itself seems in character. Is it still updating regularly on Wednesdays?
A veritable achievement for any fancomic writer. Roll's explanation for the deflectors confuses me, though. I think you accidentally deleted a word and a half of the second paragraph, which reads "As a quick indicator for merchants and traders, the energy value contained in them and therefore its re determined by their color and size."
"Re" is "are," right? You'll also probably want to fix it so the pronouns are more consistent in that paragraph. Something like "As a quick indicator for merchants and traders, their energy values, and therefore their respective ___(whatever you meant to put here)____, are determined by their color and size."
You also may want to specify that the explorers used the ancient machines as a template to create the Holon Component. Too many theys and thems can confuse a first-timer. Or a second-timer. Or really anybody who's just skimming. The part about the Great Legacy is like that, too. A great store of what? Holon components? Deflectors? Airships?
Finally, "the job of a digouters" would flow quite a bit more nicely if it read as "a digouter's job." Even though you want to sound more formal with an informative anecdote, you usually don't hear the passive voice like that unless you are talking to a weirdly-programmed sentient robot or reading a high school essay.
Reading back on page 48, when Roll talks about Rock burning out his buster, it'd be a good idea to change that "will" in panel 1 to "would." That sentence looks like it'd call for a conditional. On the bottom right, it'd read more easily as "the armor took quite a beating when the shielding went down."
The art looks great. The content itself seems in character. Is it still updating regularly on Wednesdays?
