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Post by Avegodro on Mar 21, 2011 21:07:36 GMT -5
I've been doing some thinking and decided yesterday to create this thread. I hope it becomes a place where things are made right within.
I know there are people who are having troubles right now. Be they minor things or deathly serious and affecting ones life.
If you feel like you need to talk, do it here. At your discretion give us everything or next to nothing to work with.
So anyone having a problem they want to bring to the table?
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Post by Dashe on Mar 21, 2011 22:20:09 GMT -5
I've got one. An important one. Nobody's going to know what this thread's about by looking at the title. Can someone here think of a more self-explanatory one, like "Need advice?" Or something even more self-explanatory than that?
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Post by HF on Mar 21, 2011 22:32:18 GMT -5
@ Dashe: For me, this image comes to mind:
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Post by Mikéy on Mar 21, 2011 22:38:49 GMT -5
LOL oh HF, what a card. I am a terrible person for posting this, but I just couldn't resist:
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Post by Avegodro on Mar 22, 2011 9:28:38 GMT -5
I'm at a crossroads........it seems like I can't do anything right most of the time. Everything I do either backfires horribly or gets twisted. I think I'm just holding up a facade of stability for the sake of pretending to be fine. Everytime I try to leave here, a little more self-loathing and hate builds up. I don't want to leave and slink off into the shawdows only to come back a few days later like nothing happened. You guys are most likely tired of my crap anyways. Maybe I should leave I don't know anymore. I can't even make the right decisions either.
Stay or Go?
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Post by Blues on Mar 22, 2011 9:43:04 GMT -5
Ave, really, it's up to you. If being and staying at MMLS is that important to you, stay and keep working towards your own goal of personal redemption/community reconciliation; if not, make your amends and do whatever else is necessary to move on. If those are your true feelings, then you should set your mind to being able to overcome your self-made 'mental barriers' and truly do what you feel is best for yourself. We can try to help you to the best of our ability, but in the end you are the one who will have to make the final decision.
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Post by HF on Mar 22, 2011 9:51:26 GMT -5
You clearly want and need all the help you can get, yet you've denied it in your last post. If in doubt, take a few steps back and assess what you CAN do.
From my understanding: 1. You can continue to drown in self-pity, and achieving nothing OR 2. You can share your problems in more detail to us, and we'll give whatever help we can, hopefully giving yourself some confidence to stand back up when you fall again.
I am sure that most of us are willing to help; so instead of being sorry, feeling thankful instead would be positive for both you and the person helping out. So what matters is your attitude, and the will to take a step forward to make changes.
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Post by Avegodro on Mar 22, 2011 11:48:12 GMT -5
I don't want to leave here, if I left I would be branded a coward. I need help.
But at the moment i'm exhausted mentally & physically. I need to rest for now. After I'm refreshed I'll come back and try to get this worked out.
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Post by HF on Mar 22, 2011 11:50:13 GMT -5
Good idea.
I'm going to get some rest too, but there are a few certain factors making it hard...
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Post by Avegodro on Mar 22, 2011 16:10:00 GMT -5
I don't know or like what I have become. I think its been underlying my life for years now. Slowly sapping my resolve and turning it into hate. Some days I think really dark evil thoughts about myself. I'm stubborn, a perfectionist and like to do things the hard way at times. No pain, no gain. I deal with absolutes I don't change my mind unless I feel it would be best. Mostly though I have this fear of screwing up, if I screw up it really gets to me. It seems I've been screwing up even more. Mix all this together and its not pretty. I just don't get it, I was fine the past couple of days. Things will set me off and down I go again. What is wrong with me cause I sure don't know. I'm thankful to you people. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quis itaque stultior me ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm divided, one part of me is screaming to get the heck out of here before something happens good or bad. The other is telling me to stay put and fight.
Forget I existed I probably won't be allowed back here after this so there I'm done. I can't stand divided any longer. Even with your guys support it would only be a temporary fix. I've stood alone a long time and I don't think I can change that. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorderen.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_dilemmaThis is what I stand against........FORGET I EVER EXISTED. Thanks for trying guys but I know it won't work. {Edited by EC - Double post merged as per Avegodro's wishes}
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Post by Raijin on Mar 22, 2011 23:02:49 GMT -5
Well, for when you inevitably come back (probably before the night is done), I'll leave you with this advice: stop being so melodramatic. I understand you're stressed and it would be nice to give you support, but I'd rather not enable your ping-pong membership habit.
Sorry man but it's really hard to take all this seriously. For starters, I'm baffled that you would reference the fact you're dealing with a "false dilemma" (presumably the choice between leaving in a big display like this and suffering while staying) while embracing one of the options in that false dilemma.
Now you're saying you've betrayed us. How is that even possible? Did you send assassins to our homes? Did you infect the MMLS site with a virus? I doubt anything you could have done could even constitute a "betrayal" in this environment. If you're just talking about these "dark thoughts" you've been having, get over it, everyone has those. You wouldn't believe some of the sick shit that goes on in my head. It doesn't have to affect my interactions with people though, and as far as I'm concerned your dark thoughts haven't been affecting your interactions with us either. Everyone thinks you're great, just with this one annoying quirk of making mountains out of molehills and constantly making big displays about staying or leaving.
Now I don't know exactly what's eating you, but I have some guesses based on what typically eats me. Maybe there are certain users here that get on your nerves and you want to get away from them at the expense of losing the friends you like. Been there. Just ignore the ones you don't like. Maybe you would rather be focusing on a more important project but this forum is one big addictive distraction. Been there, always there. Getting rid of one distraction may very well just open a vacancy for another distraction to take its place. The root of procrastination is the project you procrastinate from. If we can recommit to the original project, then the distractions suddenly aren't as distracting anyway. Besides, it's my belief that friends are always a worthwhile distraction.
If by some chance you do stay away for good this time (I really doubt you could at least resist the urge to check back at this thread a few times), know that we won't forget you. Mainly because it doesn't work that way. Come on, you know that. If one of your friends took off one day saying "forget I ever existed", would you just up and drop any emotional attachment you had to him? Could you?
Just stop making such a big deal out of every little thing. This isn't some soap opera, it's real (online) life.
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Post by Avegodro on Mar 24, 2011 17:41:03 GMT -5
I apologize guys I needed time to push past this on my own. These problems are new and I've had trouble opening up and dealing with them. I haven't been a good people person these past couple years. I find comfort in solitude knowing that I can't hurt anyone if I don't interact with them.
Sorry if I seem melodramatic, I don't like dramatics personally and apologize if I seemed as such. I don't think or act logically during a relapse. It wasn't just stress, it was this hollow pain in my chest, high levels of worthlessness, self-doubt and this overpowering illogical thought that I'm going to screw up anything I do here. Sounds like fun doesn’t it? I'm sorry for this Ping-Pong membership habit.
Really it was white/black thinking, I'm feeling awesome then one thing goes wrong and bam I wish I we're dead. The dilemma was me feeling like a worthless burden around here instead of a member of the team.
We think of betrayal differently, no I would never send an assassin to anyone’s home and I would rather die before I did anything like that to the station. My betrayal was pushing everyone away and trying to cut all ties with everything again. Really this could be considered treason in my book. Those dark thoughts I mentioned was one of my problems I have been dealing with but it’s controllable. Really I should embrace that darkness more often, like I used to. I really doubt anyone thinks I'm 'great' I haven't done anything to be considered great.
I don't have a single issue with any of the users here at the station. It’s me that I had the problem with, I relapse and I think I'm the worst thing to ever come to this place. I'm going to take what you said about procrastination and keep that in mind. I want to be fully committed to the project but I couldn't control these relapses. I think it was part of some odd grieving stressing process.
I did some extremely idiotic things during my relapse and I will beat myself up for them. First I panicked and left here; I then went and tried to have all my accounts from every rock man site I was a part of deleted. TMMN, RMP, Mechanical Maniacs, Rock Man Tanjou, YouTube subscriptions and Capcom Unity. I quit both the Devroom and Mega Man groups and deleted my account. I was going to leave everything related to rock man behind and move on in a foolish attempt to disappear. I wasn't going to come back for a year or if ever. I've tried to undo the damage today but I don't know if I'm going to get my CU account back. I found out my mechanical maniacs account has been deleted, I wasn't fast enough today. As for my friends, out of the pool of about twenty or more from high school, I only talk to two of them on a semi-yearly basis. I believed it was better that we forget each other and move on with our lives. So yes I can forget people when I feel its best. I don't think they forgot me though and it seems no one here would either.
I apologize for the borderline and false thing, but they described what I was feeling. I can't get my point across when I relapse either. I think this period of my life is done, I just needed some time to think about it and push past everything. So I hope that this explains things and I hope things are cool between us. I'm really a nice guy and don't like hurting others. If I've hurt anyone then sorry I was a nutcase these past couple months.
I think it would be best to explain further but that can wait.
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Post by HF on Mar 24, 2011 19:01:43 GMT -5
I'll just be frank and put it in words you can understand: "You still have work to do"
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Post by Avegodro on Mar 24, 2011 19:04:07 GMT -5
I'm not following HF, I know there is much work for me to do.
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Post by HF on Mar 24, 2011 19:05:04 GMT -5
That's all I need to know.
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