The Kattelox Times; Nov 5594

[Chiz]

Here's your November issue of The Kattelox Times, now with 500% more callback jokes and self-references.

Past Issues: Year 5594: ––|––|––|04|05|06|07|––|09|10|11|12 <- –––– | 5595 ->

GHOST SIGHTINGS IN GOLD CITY

Numerous reports of ghosts have poured into the Gold City PD this past week, specifically of the old digger and brewmaster 'Uncle Digg', famous for his all-natural line of Root Beers. Typically, every year, there are a fair number of children claiming to see him in the days leading up to Hallowe'en, as the legend goes that every year Uncle Digg brings aspiring young diggers a free 2L bottle of Root Beer on the 31st if they were good all year. However, as most of the reports this year have been made by adults, not children, it has some officials concerned.

"We don't believe the town is haunted or 'possessed' in any way," a city hall representative has said in a telephone interview "but we will be investigating this matter to see whether or not there genuinely is some cause for concern or if it's only a matter of people celebrating and getting into the spirit of the holiday a little too much. That's all I'm allowed to say at this time."

Uncle Digg's Root Beer Co. (DIGG on the Nino Stock Exchange; â0.01z, 18.91z) was not available for comment on this story.

ANIMAL CLINIC DESTROYED YET AGAIN

It seems the Gold City Animal Clinic can't stay open for any length of time. During Talk-Like-An-Air-Pirate Day, a few people in a large flutter past overhead and dropped a barrage of bombs and explosives on the complex, turning it largely into rubble. No animals were hurt in the attack, but a large number of vets stumbled out of the rumble soot-covered and morale-broken. Many are upset that their workplace health insurance and workers comp still doesn't include "Destruction Of Clinic In Pirate Attack" and are seriously looking at jobs in other fields and on other islands.

Said the property owner, "Folks, it's just not funny anymore. This crap happens every other month. In the past 15 years, we've been attacked hundreds if not thousands of times. Please, PLEASE, I'm begging you, this just isn't funny anymore. Please stop.". He subsequently broke down into tears.

"You know," a vet on the scene is reported to say "this probably wouldn't have happened if Nino hadn't completely shut down last month over that radioactive waste scare. We had a deal with their military establishment to supply the clinic with a few cannons to defend ourself, but that completely fell through because the island had to be evacuated."

A neighbouring pet clinic, only a block away, had a few words on the subject. "I've been here for nearly 20 years now, and I haven't been attacked once. I don't know what they've been doing wrong, but as I was tought in my business class some time ago, 'The 3 most important things for a business is location, location, location.'"

The pirates haven't been caught, but are believed to be Katteloxians who on Sept. 19th, incorrectly decided they were sober enough to fly and party.

GAME DEVELOPER READIES NEW GAME; ANGRY MOB FORMS AROUND STUDIO

The small game development company on Kattelox Island, Kattleox Video Game Design Studio (KXVG on the Nino Stock Exchange; â0.07z, 58.47z) has announced that later this month, they'll be releasing "Super Fantastic Lawman 3: Trial And I Am Error" and will start working on the 4th game in the series, tentatively named "Super Fantastic Lawman 4: Shot From Half-Court". However, a large mob of irate fans outside their offices are petitioning for and are demanding a sequel to the 'Legendary Adventures of the Azure Warrior' series despite official word from the developer some time ago that they won't be continuing the series. As such, the group of people have beseiged the developer until they agree to continue working on the older series.

Kattelox Police are doing their best to get the situation under control, but as the force only numbers roughly 8 officers, and the mob is estimated to be over 50, the situation is likely to go on for some time.

KATTELOX COASTAL HIGHWAY STARTED

City Hall made the final arrangements and work on Kattelox's new highway, dubbed the 'KX-1', has officially started to be build as of 9AM October 19th. The highway was proposed late Summer, and after the results of last summer's research proved that the dark grass was in no way harmful to people (the final explanations given were that "people have a subconcious psychological aversion and fear of that particular shade of green, which is why it doesn't affect any other creature") city hall felt that they should proceed with construction.

"I'm really looking forward to this thing," Said one resident "Just think of the places you can go! You can go to the north end of the island...and then the south end of the island...and then back again! All in 5 minutes! People from all over Terra are gonna want to drive on our coastal road."

However, not all are impressed. Gold City Mayor has reminded Katteloxians "we've had a coastal island road for nearly 3 decades now, and the only tourists coming to our island are the ones coming to look at the aftermath of the latest Animal Clinic bombing."

THIS MONTH'S HOROSCOPE

ARIES: Don't be hasty in your planning. Pick your targets carefully. Egging just any old house can lead to disaster.
TAURUS: Take the red pill.
GEMINI: There are some mysteries to which answers cannot be found in this universe. What they put in the mystery meat is one of them.
CANCER: Winners don't quit, quitters don't win, and those who neither win nor quit are fools - think upon this for a while.
LEO: Your lucky numbers are 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42, and bonus number 108.
VIRGO: Take the blue pill.
LIBRA: A little to the left...a little more...a little more...no, too much, a little to the right now...just...almost...there we go, perfect.
SCORPIO: Becoming a firefighter would definitely increase the number of fires you get to see every week, and it's legal, too.
SAGI: This horoscope has purposely been left blank. The person sitting to your left has the advice you're looking for.
CAPRI: Take the purple pill.
AQUARIUS: The password is 'zucchini'.
PISCES: You really need to consider decaf.

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[ravenf6]

I had a feeling someone would blow up the clinic again on the pirate day. That's hilarious!

They seriously need a swat team for the riot problem at KXVG to control those people. Not that I can blame them.

As for the the highway, the only good thing I can see is that people might decide to go on picnics in the forest and possibly to the beach . That's a good thing.... unless real pirates decide to invade Kattleox again.

I might go to those ruins myself I could, 'cause hey, free rootbeer from Uncle Digg. Yay! ;D

[Musashi]

Uhm, don't tell anyone, but I once burned down that animal clinic myself. And too late, horoscope!! I've been a firefighter for 20 years!! Err, most of the fires have been started myself, however.

[Frankenpetey]

The horoscopes are hilarious, again. Though I ended up taking a blue pill. D'oh!

Oh, Gold City. Why are you so jealous of Kattelox's progress? XD

[Staulmaster]

Poor Gold city, between the ghost sightings and the Veteranary clinic bombings, I don't know how they're gonna cope with all of this. Well, at least they have their own highway.

Also, I did not take the red pill, as was perscribed in my horoscope, I took the purple one *Gasp*.

[Dragge]

What could be better than the Kattelox times? The articles are funnier every time you create a new one. i have one for you. "Every One's Fav. Hero Mega Man Arrested/ Mega Man was caught on top of a train with missiles in his hands. He claims they weren't his and the Pirates were using them but they were not to be found" something like that.

[Chiz]

dragge said:

i have one for you. "Every One's Fav. Hero Mega Man Arrested...

There's 2 reasons why an article like that would never appear in the Kattelox Times...the idea is nice, but it doesn't fit:

1) The Kattelox Times isn't focused on Trigger, the Casket family, the Bonnes, or any other main character from the Legends games, unlike most-to-all of the other Legends fanfiction out there. Except for the occasional mention here and there, I want the paper to be focused on the misadventures, pardon the pun, and mishaps of the Terran population. Admittedly, there is some bias towards stories focusing on Kattelox, but Kattelox and it's people were most certainly better defined in MML1 than most of the other known islands and communities in MOTB and MML2...also, The Kattelox Times (and in turn, KTOX Media Enterprises) is based in Kattelox, so it's much easier for their crack team of reporters to cover local stories.

2) So far, The Kattelox Times has maintained the same character status as at the end of MML2...that is, the Caskets are on Calbania, continually launching rockets towards Elysium (see June 5594, GLOBAL WARMING AFFECTING CALINCA, quote '...continued missile testing off the coast of Calbania...'), while Trigger, Yuna, and Sera remain on Elysium, waiting (see April 5594, 'REFRACTOR CARTEL' UNCOVERED; ARRESTS MADE, quote 'A reward has also been posted for MegaMan's capture [...] he and their mother, Matilda [...] have been missing for 7 years now and possibly dead.'), the Bonnes are busy pirating to raise funds (multiple instances). I do this as to conflict as little as possible with any other fanfiction or post-MML2 story anyone wants to believe. With the exception of the days (I believe MML1 happened in December 5584, with MOTB happening about 6-9 months prior, and MML2 happening about 12-14 months afterwards) my Kattelox Times storyline (which I've been trying hard to stick to) can fit into most MML fanfiction universes with little to no retrofitting.

Hope that covers that

[Dashe]

Oooh, I am DEFINITELY reserving my copy of the new Super Fantastic Lawman game. I've been waiting for so long...seriously, who starts these angry mobs, anyway?

And, once again, the dark green grass bit was priceless.

[Blues]

Great work as always! Keep it up! I like the 'Super Fantastic Lawman' article, and the image is great! How did you make it?

Hmm, I still don't know how to read that horoscope thing...but it's great anyways.