Post by Chiz on Aug 19, 2007 6:08:26 GMT -5
I've gone back and cleaned up all of the past issues so the text formatting looks uniform and of the same style. As for August's issue, yeah, it never surfaced, but, uh, my reasons are explained in the first article 
Today marks the day when employees from Kattelox's KTOX Media Enterprises go back to work after a month-and-a-half long salary dispute. The dispute stems from the collapse of value of the zenny after a large, horded collection of zenny and refractors once belonging to the so-called 'Refractor Cartel' was released into the public. Employees at KTOX Media were concerned that their salaries weren't equal in value to their salaries pre-March.
"I can see they're really trying," a KTOX-TV employee said, who's name they've asked us to withhold. "But what good are these disc things? They can't power my floor lamps or my music players, and they don't fit in the vending machines! I think I speak for a lot of people when I say these are little more than worthless little trinkets."
City Hall and KTOX management has assured employees that while rare and typically unheard of, gold coins are indeed very valuable and have been used for niche applications like large purchases of land or businesses, or traded amongst collectors for at least a few hundred years.
Rumours have been circulating that the strike was a front for a protest against the lack of air conditioning inside the main KTOX building, but this was dismissed as being "simply rumours".
Werner Von Bluecher, millionaire and adventure aficionado, was arrested last week for trafficking and selling drugs with his large ship, the Sulphur-Bottom. Police found an increasing number of crates in the loading bay of the ship, filled with white powder crew members dismissed as just 'flour', 'salt', 'sugar', and the like.
"The first real tipoff was that he'd become really antsy when someone was in the loading bay," a police officer said in a press conference 2 days ago. "Next, we did a history on his finances, and we discovered he never had a legitimate job, and considering his expenditures he should've spent his entire inheritance about 20 years ago. It became fairly obvious he was earning money off the books through some sort of illegal activity."
A few informants from Von Bluecher's own staff are leaking details concerning Von Bluecher's actions and the on-going scandal. One has leaked details showing Von Bluecher's lawyers considering a plea of insanity, and willing to allow both psychiatric and podiatric evaluations to determine if Von Bluecher's genuinely insane and why his feet smell so bad. Another informant has written directly to KTOX-TV, alleging the numerous disappearances from Yosyonke "weren't because they tried to venture to Forbidden Island at all - that was a cover story. Von Bluecher put hits on those people because they either knew too much or were customers that couldn't pay."
The trial should take place later this month.
Deep in the heart of Kimotoma City, a factory devoted to creating toilet paper, and other toiletries, is opening up, with the promise of creating hundreds of new jobs and strengthening the local economy. "It's good that we're finally making our own toilet paper," local resident and new manufacturing foreman 'Johnny' said to reporters. "I mean, it's the only thing that's always been there for us, and that's why it's the city's emblem. Yeah, I mean, our statues are stolen, our buildings are destroyed, but our toilet paper...it's become a symbol of hope, of charity, of continence...uh...I mean consistence. It's shown us that even the most ruthless of people aren't completely barbaric."
We at The Kattelox Times wish the best for the new business, but can't help but feel there might not be a very strong future for the plant - being a desert island, there's only about 2 or 3 dozen trees on the entire island.
Jetlag Bakery LLC, and parent company Hot Potato Holdings Inc. ("You can't hold a hot potato like Hot Potato Holdings.") have announced the purchase and amalgamation of Bakery Sharkskin Co. into Jetlag Bakery. "[Bakery] Sharkskin has always perfected customer service," the CEO of Hot Potato Holdings said in a press release, "and we believe that through this purchase, we will be able to better our own services and incorporate what made [Bakery] Sharkskin so get into our chain of Jetlag Bakery franchises."
Effective Sept 1st, all Bakery Sharkskin outlets will be retitled as Jetlag Bakery outlets. This brings the total number of franchises to 2.
ARIES: Unless it can act as a boat, too, don't bother getting a sports car. There isn't enough road in Kattelox to stop if you hit the gas too hard.
TAURUS: Judge a book by it's cover for once; cramming for your upcoming exam won't do a bit of good if you're studying the wrong text.
GEMINI: Just because you've been traveling doesn't justify you forgetting about your family's birthdays/anniversaries/special occasions. It might be time to buy a PDA. And a lot of flowers.
CANCER: The Gemini in your life forgot your birthday/anniversary/special occasion, but you can help them better themselves by painfully digging it into them over the next 4 and a half years.
LEO: Consider revenge. Find a sport that annoys him as much as his annoys you.
VIRGO: You've let too much chaos into your life. You shouldn't take horoscopes so literally.
LIBRA: Just because you finished Super Fantastic Lawman: For Great Justice without cheats doesn't mean you're qualified to give legal advice.
SCORPIO: Just because you've been branded an arsonist or a pyromaniac doesn't mean you're a bad person. See if a family member can smuggle you a lighter into the prison you're jailed at.
SAGI: Cut back on the sweets gradually. Replace 'Creme Puff' time with 'Pizza and Cola' time. It's healthier.
CAPRI: The Gemini in your life forgot your important dates too, but don't worry, because the Cancer in their life is giving them heck for it. You can help if your so inclined.
AQUARIUS: Take your favourite album and play it backwards. Everything in your life you see as bizarre will then make perfect sense.
PISCES: They're coming for you. They'll never find you if you hide in the furnace room.
KTOX MEDIA STRIKE OVER
Today marks the day when employees from Kattelox's KTOX Media Enterprises go back to work after a month-and-a-half long salary dispute. The dispute stems from the collapse of value of the zenny after a large, horded collection of zenny and refractors once belonging to the so-called 'Refractor Cartel' was released into the public. Employees at KTOX Media were concerned that their salaries weren't equal in value to their salaries pre-March.
"I can see they're really trying," a KTOX-TV employee said, who's name they've asked us to withhold. "But what good are these disc things? They can't power my floor lamps or my music players, and they don't fit in the vending machines! I think I speak for a lot of people when I say these are little more than worthless little trinkets."
City Hall and KTOX management has assured employees that while rare and typically unheard of, gold coins are indeed very valuable and have been used for niche applications like large purchases of land or businesses, or traded amongst collectors for at least a few hundred years.
Rumours have been circulating that the strike was a front for a protest against the lack of air conditioning inside the main KTOX building, but this was dismissed as being "simply rumours".
VON BLUECHER CONVICTED!
Werner Von Bluecher, millionaire and adventure aficionado, was arrested last week for trafficking and selling drugs with his large ship, the Sulphur-Bottom. Police found an increasing number of crates in the loading bay of the ship, filled with white powder crew members dismissed as just 'flour', 'salt', 'sugar', and the like.
"The first real tipoff was that he'd become really antsy when someone was in the loading bay," a police officer said in a press conference 2 days ago. "Next, we did a history on his finances, and we discovered he never had a legitimate job, and considering his expenditures he should've spent his entire inheritance about 20 years ago. It became fairly obvious he was earning money off the books through some sort of illegal activity."
A few informants from Von Bluecher's own staff are leaking details concerning Von Bluecher's actions and the on-going scandal. One has leaked details showing Von Bluecher's lawyers considering a plea of insanity, and willing to allow both psychiatric and podiatric evaluations to determine if Von Bluecher's genuinely insane and why his feet smell so bad. Another informant has written directly to KTOX-TV, alleging the numerous disappearances from Yosyonke "weren't because they tried to venture to Forbidden Island at all - that was a cover story. Von Bluecher put hits on those people because they either knew too much or were customers that couldn't pay."
The trial should take place later this month.
FACTORY OPENS ON SAUL KADA ISLAND!
Deep in the heart of Kimotoma City, a factory devoted to creating toilet paper, and other toiletries, is opening up, with the promise of creating hundreds of new jobs and strengthening the local economy. "It's good that we're finally making our own toilet paper," local resident and new manufacturing foreman 'Johnny' said to reporters. "I mean, it's the only thing that's always been there for us, and that's why it's the city's emblem. Yeah, I mean, our statues are stolen, our buildings are destroyed, but our toilet paper...it's become a symbol of hope, of charity, of continence...uh...I mean consistence. It's shown us that even the most ruthless of people aren't completely barbaric."
We at The Kattelox Times wish the best for the new business, but can't help but feel there might not be a very strong future for the plant - being a desert island, there's only about 2 or 3 dozen trees on the entire island.
JETLAG BAKERY LLC ANNOUNCES MERGER
Jetlag Bakery LLC, and parent company Hot Potato Holdings Inc. ("You can't hold a hot potato like Hot Potato Holdings.") have announced the purchase and amalgamation of Bakery Sharkskin Co. into Jetlag Bakery. "[Bakery] Sharkskin has always perfected customer service," the CEO of Hot Potato Holdings said in a press release, "and we believe that through this purchase, we will be able to better our own services and incorporate what made [Bakery] Sharkskin so get into our chain of Jetlag Bakery franchises."
Effective Sept 1st, all Bakery Sharkskin outlets will be retitled as Jetlag Bakery outlets. This brings the total number of franchises to 2.
THIS MONTH'S HOROSCOPE
ARIES: Unless it can act as a boat, too, don't bother getting a sports car. There isn't enough road in Kattelox to stop if you hit the gas too hard.
TAURUS: Judge a book by it's cover for once; cramming for your upcoming exam won't do a bit of good if you're studying the wrong text.
GEMINI: Just because you've been traveling doesn't justify you forgetting about your family's birthdays/anniversaries/special occasions. It might be time to buy a PDA. And a lot of flowers.
CANCER: The Gemini in your life forgot your birthday/anniversary/special occasion, but you can help them better themselves by painfully digging it into them over the next 4 and a half years.
LEO: Consider revenge. Find a sport that annoys him as much as his annoys you.
VIRGO: You've let too much chaos into your life. You shouldn't take horoscopes so literally.
LIBRA: Just because you finished Super Fantastic Lawman: For Great Justice without cheats doesn't mean you're qualified to give legal advice.
SCORPIO: Just because you've been branded an arsonist or a pyromaniac doesn't mean you're a bad person. See if a family member can smuggle you a lighter into the prison you're jailed at.
SAGI: Cut back on the sweets gradually. Replace 'Creme Puff' time with 'Pizza and Cola' time. It's healthier.
CAPRI: The Gemini in your life forgot your important dates too, but don't worry, because the Cancer in their life is giving them heck for it. You can help if your so inclined.
AQUARIUS: Take your favourite album and play it backwards. Everything in your life you see as bizarre will then make perfect sense.
PISCES: They're coming for you. They'll never find you if you hide in the furnace room.
This month's issue has been sponsored by:
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Great as usual, EC! The Saul Kada article is funny, and I'm sure a lot of people thought something like that when they first checked the crates on the Sulphur-Bottom. Keep up the good work!
;D >:(RAIDING PARTY!!! ;D 
