Klonoa of the Wind (Contains Spoilers)

[snowman]

*Skip the first paragraph if you just want to hear the story, or don't want spoilers*

Two days ago, using money I got for mowing the lawn, I went with my dad to a video store close to my house, seeking to buy a game or two. I actually had one specific game in mind: Klonoa for the Wii. I wanted it because I heard great things about it in Nintendo Power. They had it, and I quickly went back and inserted it in my Wii. I played the whole game through, starting in the afternoon, letting my brother play after beating one level, then continuing to play until I beat Joker, taking a break for dinner. Afterwards, the sky turning dark, I beat the Moon Kingdom and Ghadis, and it was night when I dueled against the final boss. Overall, a very good game, it almost made me feel as if I was traveling through a fairy tale world. When Klonoa's Grandfather was killed, I knew that Ghadis and Joker meant buisness, and saw just how dark their intentions were. I decided to write a fanfic based of the original PS1 game, to both show off my writing skills and how deep the story is. It's quite long.

It’s strange…
Sometimes, when I wake up, I can’t remember my dreams,
Though I’m sure I had them.
Where do you think these dreams go?
But there’s one dream I remember very clearly,
As clearly as if it were reflected in a mirror…

While exploring a forest right behind his house, Klonoa encountered a butterfly, floating right in front of him. Entranced by its beauty, he had began to chase it, skipping behind it playfully. The young creature’s game had ended when a sudden crash sounded behind him, followed by a quick yet strong breeze drifting in his long, floppy ears. Turning around to find the source of the noise, he had spotted a ring halfway buried in the ground.

Curious, the boy approached the large hoop stuck in a patch of light that was shining through the trees. He walked around it, observing each side with huge, yellow cat eyes, just below the blue cap resting on his head. Grabbing it with both of his yellow-gloved hands, he began to pull. This task was certainly not as simple as it seemed, but with outstanding effort and strength, Klonoa managed to succeed, but the pressure threw his little body into the air, and onto his back.

Quickly recovering, Klonoa held the ring up to his face, looking at the greenish jewel that was on it. Almost instantly, a blue light emerged from the ring, forming a ball with hands, with a star floating above it, and a gigantic smile. Klonoa was so impressed at this phenomenon that he stood gazing, hypnotized and dazed for a few seconds. His eyes then seemed to glow and a gigantic smile had come on Klonoa’s face, too. The two had both just found a new friend.

The blue orb floated in circles, Klonoa jumping happily around it. However, the fantasy was about to finish. A more violent and loud explosion came from the top of a hill, shaking it with its incredible force. The blue-skied paradise slowly grew darker and more gloomy. The bell on the hilltop slowly and loudly chimed. An ocean of black mist appeared to sweep over the fairy tale land like a tidal wave. Klonoa and the blob-like creature tried to escape, but they seemed frozen, unable to move. All Klonoa could do was wait as the darkness engulfed the world around him, falling over both his friend and himself, and drowning his heart with shock and terror.

Klonoa woke up shouting, almost jumping out of his blankets. Still not recovered from the shock of the dream, he breathed deeply, and looked around. He spotted his ring, and the friend that had emerged from it, already awake. The creature happily greeted Klonoa by saying its own name while moving back and forth; “Huepow! Huepow?” Relived to see the familiar face, Klonoa sighed and quickly returned to his normal, joyous state. He threw off his pajamas, leaped out of his slippers, and tossed away his sleeping cap, trading them for a pair of red pants, two white sneakers, a red collar that just barely fit him and, lastly, his favourite blue cap with a felt Pac-Man sewed on.

[Captain Amadeus (Legendary Em)]

Sorry I didn't notice this earlier; I haven't been through the fan fiction section here yet like I should. I've only played the first level of the PS1 game, but I owned and beat the first game for Gameboy Advance so I kind of know what the series is about.

Overall, the writing is very well done. There's not much dialogue to speak of in this first chapter, which made it slightly uninteresting to read though. However, this was done to stay as close the cutscene as possible, I'm guessing. And the chapter is short enough that I didn't get too bored, which is a good thing.

My only nitpicks are minor ones. First off, the change in tense. In the first paragraph, you started out writing 'While exploring a forest right behind his house, Klonoa encountered a butterfly'. But in the next sentance, you say 'he had begun to chase it'. You repeat the use of 'had' in the next sentacnce as well, but then drop it from the rest of the dream sequence.

I would suggest dropping the two 'hads' from the chapter. Using 'he had' makes the reader associate with an event that has already taken place. It's tricky in prose writing, because you are technically always writing in past tense. Here's an example of using 'had' correctly.

"Suddenly, Klonoa remembered that he had left his pet alligator unnatended in the living room. He dashed back to the house and saw that the gator was attempting in vain to cut through the refrigerator door with a blowtorch, which could not even dent the appliance. Klonoa sighed and thanked god that he had sprung for the chrome-plated model."

See what I mean? The paragraph itself takes place in past tense ('remembered', 'dashed'...) but events that took place prior to just then are refered to using 'had'. Hope this clears things up for you.

Other than that, I just thought that there seemed to be a few too many commas. Perhaps you could consider breaking up some longer sentances into smaller ones? But this is just my personal preference; as a rule for my writing, I tend to not write any sentance with over two commas. Otherwise I think it starts to look cluttered. However, you are more than entitled to use as many as you want.

That's all I have to say for this first chapter. It's an interesting start, and I'm looking forward to future updates. And sorry for going on so long about the 'had' thing . I'm a hopeless nitpicker.

[snowman]

Thanks for your comments. Yes, I was following the opening cutscene so close that I should get arrested for stalking. Future chapters will slightly differ from the story. I'll take your advice about the dialogue and commas, and use the "had"s more properly. Just to let you know, Klonoa is portrayed as being more innocent and childish in the original, and so his personality may change rapidly throughout the story. Hope it's not too bad. And I also love your example of how to use "had" properly; it's awesome. I'm glad you like the story so far. Here's the next part:

A small, green airship was flying-or more like falling-high in the sky just outside. It gained more and more speed until it hit the large hill overlooking the village Klonoa lived in. The result was explosive, to say the least. Klonoa immediately stuck his head outside his window to observe. He exclaimed in a language that may sound like gibberish to us, but was actually very sophisticated and expressive, “Wha… Did you see that, Huepow?” His floating friend had noticed the event as well, and replied “Something crashed into Bell Hill!”

Klonoa mumbled “It’s just like my dream…” “What happened in your dream?” the keen-eared Huepow asked. Klonoa knew how much dreams fascinated his friend, so he explained “It was just like the day I met you, except… there was an explosion on Bell Hill, kinda like this one, and… well… I…” Remembering the fear that he had in the dream, Klonoa had difficulty speaking. Seeing the pain in his eyes, Huepow decided to change the subject. Hurting Klonoa was the last thing he wanted to do. “Klonoa, how about we go take a look?”

That certainly cheered up Klonoa. The young creature’s thirst for adventure could overpower any other feelings, even fear. After grabbing Huepow’s ring, he ran down a ladder that connected his room to the rest of the house, skipped past his slumbering grandfather (“Gramps can sleep through anything!” Klonoa thought) and out the door. Huepow hopped inside the ring, ready to come out anytime his furry friend needed him.

The world that lay before Klonoa was just as fantastic and beautiful as Klonoa’s dream. Breezegale, the inhabitants called it. With the giant windmill, the wind turbines, and the gale that seemed do be drifting through the villagers’ floppy ears at all times, the name made lots of sense. Along with Klonoa and Huepow, many red, ball-like creatures dressed like jesters lived here. Those creatures were called “Moos”. Leaping towards a bridge that led to Bell Hill, Klonoa found a trio of these silly creatures blocking the road to the bridge.

“This is our bridge!” the one in the front shouted “Nobody passes unless they hop on one foot and pay a fine!” Yes, the little rascals were bullies. Quite stereotypical ones, too. Klonoa stuttered “B-but I don’t have any money, and I c-can’t hop on one foot!” The moo closed his eyes and crossed his arms and replied “I’ll tell you what. That hat of yours looks like it’d look good on me. If you were to hand it over…”

The hat Klonoa wore was very important to him, not to mention very comfortable and warm. Klonoa ran up to the surprisingly small Moo and yelled “No! It’s mine! You’re just a bunch of bullies!” He pointed his ring at them. “I’m not scared of you!” Suddenly, like a burst of blue light, Huepow flew out and grabbed the Moo in the front, then brought it to Klonoa’s hands. Looking at the ring on his belt that held Huepow, the young child said “I didn’t know you could do that!” Huepow answered “The anger you put into the ring helped me!” Slightly confused, Klonoa brought his attention back to the Moos. The two others ran away yelling “Gaah! That ring is haunted by a ghost!” Stereotypical lackeys are not very brave, and that’s the first thing they learn at lackey school.

Their leader was not very thrilled to be captured by a ghost, and even less thrilled to realize that a cute, furry, wide-eyed cat-like thing was stronger than it. Very freaked out, he muttered “I-if you put me down, I’ll invite both you and your pet ghost to my birthday!” Klonoa snarled, showing his fangs “He’s my friend, not a ghost!” Soon, however, he thought of cake, ice cream, presents and games. Very excitedly, Klonoa yelled “Okay, it’s a deal!” and put the Moo down just as excitedly. So excitedly that it nearly knocked the crazy red animal unconscious. Klonoa skipped on the now clear bridge, singing as he went “Happy birthday to Moo, happy birthday to Moo!”

(Also, Legendaryemerald, you spelled sentence wrong )

[Captain Amadeus (Legendary Em)]

Yes, I can never seem to spell 'sentence' correctly; heck, I just spelled I wrong right now an had to go back and fix it!

Anyways, this chapter is much more interesting than the first. Still a few mistakes that I feel the need to point out.

One of the general rules for writing is to never mention the audience as you did: "He exclaimed in a language that may sound like gibberish to us." If you do, it takes the reader out of the story. While some professional authors do utilize the technique, it is generally frowned upon.

The other point I want to make is that you should never have two or more people speaking in one paragraph. Here's a big block of text that you've written:


"Klonoa mumbled “It’s just like my dream…” “What happened in your dream?” the keen-eared Huepow asked. Klonoa knew how much dreams fascinated his friend, so he explained “It was just like the day I met you, except… there was an explosion on Bell Hill, kinda like this one, and… well… I…” Remembering the fear that he had in the dream, Klonoa had difficulty speaking. Seeing the pain in his eyes, Huepow decided to change the subject. Hurting Klonoa was the last thing he wanted to do. “Klonoa, how about we go take a look?” "

It would be less confusing to read if written like this:

"It's just like my dream..." Klonoa mumbled, holding his forehead.

“What happened in your dream?” the keen-eared Huepow asked. Klonoa knew how much dreams fascinated his friend, so he felt oblidged to explain.

“It was just like the day I met you, except… there was an explosion on Bell Hill, kinda like this one, and… well… I…” Remembering the fear that he had in the dream, Klonoa had difficulty speaking. Seeing the pain in his eyes, Huepow decided to change the subject; hurting Klonoa was the last thing he wanted to do.

“Klonoa, how about we go take a look?”

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See what I mean? It looks nicer, is less cluttered, and doesn't leave any room for the reader to be confused as to who is talking.

Alright, other than that, I see marked improvement in this chapter. Until the next update, that's all I've got.