"Through the Mind," my first original Sci-Fi story

[PharaohManXe54]

Well, it's not techniquely a fan story, but's it's inspired by all the video games I played. It's about this guy who wakes up on the floor of a women's bathroom and doesn't know who or where he is. It's about five pages in Microsoft Word, single spaced, if you wanted to know the size. It has a really satisfying ending and really loveable characters. It took me a long time to do it, but I hope you enjoy it ;D!

EDIT: Ooops! I forgot to put the link: www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=1790947

[aarond]

Your grammar, punctuation, and narrative voice are all very solid in the story. That being said, the plot, which I admit I don't yet know the whole of, seems a little rushed. We got through the description of the opening scene and the narrator's appearance in one paragraph.

Don't tell the reader what happens, SHOW it. Replace "I was lying on the floor of the women’s bathroom" with something like, "The tile floor was frigid against my cheek. I could see nothing but white porcelain through the underside of a blue stall door. As I tried to get up, I smacked my head against a suspiciously-clean toilet bowl. I groaned. Great. No better place to wake up than a public restroom."

Also, how does the narrator know it's a WOMEN's restroom? That's not always patently obvious.

Anyway, just a few comments. Since I don't have a fictionpress.com account, I can't leave you a review there.

[PharaohManXe54]

True, true thanks you're right

SPOILERS FOR END! ONLY READ IF YOU HAVE FINISHED READING THE STORY!!!

To answer your question about him knowing it was the women's bathroom is because he has some of the same knowledge of Zenoe. That's how he knew DeCartes' "I think, therefore I am."

END SPOILERS

But thanks to your advice, I probably will edit it. Oh, and do you think that there were too many "..."'s?

[aarond]

I didn't notice too many ellipses, but I tend to use a lot of them myself...


...at least, I think so.

Try to make it a little more obvious that the narrator is confused by his strange knowledge.

[Bureaucratic Model 1-3]

I read it, and the story had substance, you just have to refine it a couple of hundred of times... If you think I'm joking, I'm not. I once wrote something that ended up looking a lot like yours does. It was a short story, about eight pages long, and the story was great, as well as some of the wording, and when I wrote that I was giggling to myself the whole time.

When I looked back at it about a year later it was... not good. The last two pages were still fine, but if I'm ever going to reclaim it I'm either going to have to start all over, or see just how great a writer I really am.

However, this isn't all rain cloud, there is a silver lining. Like I said, it reminds me a lot of myself, and as conceited as that might be, in writing you learn to write. As I posted on my 'original' first post, I have over three hundred pages of fiction under my belt, and really those few that are great came after a whole lot of... I hesitate to call it slop, because like I said about yours the story still has some bearing, on most if not all of them, but really it took lots of work to write well. Keep writing, editing takes the fun out of writing, but it's just as important as novelty itself.

P.S. Were you making that up as you went, or did you have the planetary stuff all mapped out before hand? It was very interesting.

[PharaohManXe54]

Thanks again! I like constructive criticism. I bet if I read over my story now, it'll probably not look as good as when I wrote it. I'm wondering if I should prolong some of the scenes, like the panther one....

As for the planetary idea, well, I kinda wanted the story to take place on a planet similar to earth but still like earth and decided to make it so that this unnamed planet had interstellar capabilities. I only thought of one of the names myself . My friend at school gave me Dern, Feldinaut gave me Zenoe and Granze (THANK YOU FELDI!!!), and I came up with Dr. Verdacia. I was thinking what to name the main character, so I decided that Zenoe would name him after the planet she had just been on cause it made it known that this planet was really important to her.

[bluerobotgirl]

Your story is good....

I suck at giving advice, though, so I can't really help you improve it...

[PharaohManXe54]

Uhhhhh..... thanks at least for reading it........ It means a lot to me! I still have to get off my lazy but and edit it....